Decisions.......

Sitting here reflecting on life and the changes that have happened to me in a few short months.  I know I need to make some major decisions regarding my life and my health in the near future. 

One of them is my job.  I wonder how long I can keep it up working full-time.  Mornings are so hard  right now and it doesn't seem that the medicine I am taking is helping at this point.  I know I need to be  patient and wait, sometimes it takes as long as 6 months for it to work...if it's going to work.  That doesn't help me now.  The pain is now on both sides, affecting both hands and both feet.   I was really hoping that it would spare my left side...I guess that's not meant to be. 

I have to consider that I may have to drop to part-time and give up the position I love.  It's not that I can't do the job, I can, but there are aspects of my job that require me to have strength and full use of my hands, which right now I don't have.   I will give it my best while I can, pray for the meds to work, and deal with this decision when I know I can't give 100% anymore. 

On a better note, Michael received a promotion at work!  He worked long and hard for this and he's very happy about it!   I'm happy for him.   

Please keep me in your prayers.   I hate to ask...I feel selfish.   I need to slow the progression of this disease that I can feel eating away at my joints.  I need for this medicine to work.   I need reassurance for tomorrow.   My faith is shakey and I need prayers for that. 

...but you don't look sick....

It's amazing to me how little is known about RAD (rheumatoid  autoimmune disease aka rheumatoid arthritis).  I can't blame anyone for not knowing or understanding because at one time, I was like them.  It didn't touch my life and I didn't know anyone with it so there was no reason for me to really understand the disease.  

I was talking to a lady today and after answering her questions about RAD, she said "but you don't look sick!"  I didn't have anything to say to that because if you didn't know me or know that I have RAD, just looking at me will give no clues.  To most, I look healthy.  I don't have the joint deformities or nodules  that can come along with this disease.  I'm lucky that all I have is a bit of a limp resulting from painful, swollen toes and feet.  Other than that, I don't look sick. 

I wish that woman could look inside me though.  I wish I could too.  I can feel what it is doing to my body and sometimes it really scares me.  I have the swollen joints and pains that remind me daily that I have this disease but I often wonder if it is attacking organs that have yet to show signs.  When researching this disease, I had no clue about how RAD can affect organs.

Rheumatoid arthritis can affect nearly every part of the body. Complications may include:

• Damage to the lung tissue (rheumatoid lung)
• Increased risk of hardening of the arteries
• Spinal injury when the neck bones become damaged
• Inflammation of the blood vessels (rheumatoid vasculitis), which can lead to skin, nerve, heart, and brain problems
• Swelling and inflammation of the outer lining of the heart and of the heart muscle, which can lead to congestive heart failure.

With that in mind, I made the painful decision to start on disease modifying medications.  I was very  reluctant to start taking these types of medications because in all honesty, I was and still am afraid of the side effects.  For instance, the medication I have started has the ability to damage the retina causing blindness.  It also lowers the immune system resulting in more illness.  When I told my rheumatologist my fears, she reminded me that without the meds my disease would progress to a point that I would die from RAD or complications from the disease. 

There is no cure for RAD.  The medications used to treat it are to slow disease progression.   There is hope for remission but only through continued use of medication.  

It's hard facing the fact that I need medications in order to slow this disease.  With that comes side effects that can leave me sick and still hurting.  My biggest fear right now is that the medication side effects plus the flares of RAD will prevent me from working.  There are mornings I feel so sore from RAD, it's all I can do to get up and get going.  I can't imagine doing it with nausea, vomiting, diarrhea that come with the medications...not to mention the overwhelming fatigue that strikes during the work day.  I'm thankful to come home and nap!

So no, I don't look sick.  I'm thankful for that and I pray that I don't ever look sick.  I pray that the medications don't make my hair fall out or give me sores on my skin.  I pray that the medications help slow this disease and put it into remission.  I pray that someday there is a cure.